The Taman Tugu Hike:
The Taman Tugu Hike:
I'm continuing back this book: The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. I bought this book last year and have been trying to finish this up (but it is taking too long).
The issue with this book is how it is written, the penyampaian of these philosophies - it is boring, well not as boring as reading a textbook, but boring enough. In this book, the philosopher is having a conversation with a youth, explaining the philosophical theories by Alfred Adler. No stories, just a really long conversation so it felt like ideas were being preached to me instead of reading a story. Why pretend like it is a story when the writers didn't want to explore the story properly?
Why take this road?
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Opinion: I rather have not the teacher-student dynamic in a story because I don't feel comfortable with the idea of one person who feels like they are all-knowing and another is lost and seems 'empty'.
I feel like choosing the teacher-student dynamic in fiction is a bit lazy. Just to tell/explain your ideas/thoughts as a writer, you write about an all-knowing character and then this character feeds all the ideas to this other character who seems like needed your input. Instead of exploring the other ways to present these ideas. Every human with 'akal' is capable of constructing their own wisdom if they really make use of it well, so why would you deny that part. Why feed everything in one go, what's the thrill in that? Where is the human complexity in the characters?
I love it when ideas are being presented most subtly or in stories within stories. I love when I have to do my own digging just to understand the idea, or when I have to think and discuss to know the possibilities of the ideas.
Any fiction, so this also goes into movies - not just books.
So for me, a story that explains everything *especially by its character is just not challenging enough. I'll get bored and even sometimes even offended when the character explains just everything.
But, that's just on my part. That is why I think this book is boring because it is just a conversation between the philosopher and the youth. But this might be my unpopular opinion, 3 million other people who bought this book might not agree with me :F
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On a second note, maybe the reason why I'm taking too long is because I need to think as these new ideas being presented in every chapter (especially when I haven't decided to agree or disagree with an idea). Here's a sample:
Separation of Tasks-
Note: Selamat Berpuasa !
A couple more weeks to survive this crazy work phase (17 days to be exact) - of working full-time with 2 companies. At the same time, I managed to officially finish all my client work yesterday and that felt like a burden being lifted off my shoulder - a bit.
Last night, I slept through the night for the first time.
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I work on weekdays and weekends, early morning until night time, which includes public holidays. None respected my time because apparently as a "freelancer" I made myself available all the time (because I always work odd hours to manage multiple projects, so I just can't avoid contacting my clients during odd times as well). So we don't have the "after-hour" working limit. Af took Sofi out every weekend and I stayed home alone - working.
At times, my stress level is at its peak all day long and I can feel it in my body. That's how sensitive I am now, I learned to feel the changes. When I'm stressed, I can't eat, usually, after I send my submission, all the hunger comes right in and I'll eat anything available then I'd have a stomach ache (perhaps due to indigestion). This keeps on repeating over and over again.
I can't talk about anything else than work - because that's what I do every day. Multiple works. I feel like the agency is eating my soul (maybe because we have a beef with each other) and it is unhealthy - but what else can I do except to endure this craziness.
Every time I tried to talk about it with someone they would always mention the money - "ohh, the money would be worth it", "masyukk la kerja double duit double", "at least ada kerja dari takda kerja". Like everything is only about the money. The money does sound nice, yes, but money disappears like water, it helped in certain ways that I needed, but it won't stay for long. To have that much money, in exchange, it will drain my time, my energy, and my mental + physical health. I just want them to realize this part as well. It comes with a cost.
So then, I realized that any problems that we have, we don't have to share it with anyone because no one wants to know - they don't really know what to say (yes, even family). I told Af that I would need to whine and complain for these 2 months because it need them all out of my system - verbally, and I don't need a solution because sometimes, I just want someone to listen to my daily problems.
I write here - to remember, if you happen to stumble on the blog where I whine and complain about work like any normal human - well, this is the current phase that I'm dealing with right now and I have nothing else to say other than about work.
Tapi ok lah, only for 2 months.
But a really unhealthy 2 months.
Ok - see you after the typhoon ends.
PS - I'm reading "The Days of Abandonment" by Elena Ferrante - which triggers the woman angst theme for this post.
A Bit Too Tense :
I've been having minor migraine for 5 days. I could even feel the pressure on my jaw. Yesterday I had to try the migraine massage in Putrajaya, just to try something. I know I'm stressed out and overbooked, but I have no option but to go through this until the end of March. This morning I woke up anxious, I couldn't eat and felt nauseous. I tried the acupressure mat and my heart rhythm slowed down a bit.
I tried the massage, I tried the acupressure mat, I tried drinking warm water (supposedly to hydrate), and I tried breathing practices. But I still can't manage my stress and anxiety. That was why I rejected the job in Nov in the first place because I can't deal with a time-constraint work environment - this first happened while I worked with MM then again with JA. Every time I get too stressed with work, my stress and anxiety will go spiralling.
So right now, I'm trying to write to clear up my head a bit.
This evening, I will try running.
I will try every healthy way to manage it until I can learn to regulate my own emotions because I can't let this cripple my career kan. There must be ways to have fun while over-working kot kan. Kah kah kah.
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One Day:
I knew I wrote it sometime back, ten years ago to be exact.
It's One Day - on Netflix. I loved it when I first read the book, and I kinda loved it when I watched the movie adaptation. This time, it is a 14-short episode on Netflix. I thought it would be fun to watch it while working, so I did. Just finished it.
Did not make me cry this time - thought it would give me a good cry but it didn't. Maybe the reason was because : 1) I watched it while designing UI and 2) Both characters were not lovable - Emma in the movie was quirky, but in the series, she seems a bit snobbish. Dexter in both the movie and the series were annoying, so I'm not attached to either of them.
It's about friendship and love. Yes, same as what I wrote before, if it is meant to be, there's no point in running. Maktub. But for them to be together, both of them need to fall, grow, learn, and heal in their own ways.
People who never read/watched the movie might be surprised by the ending.
So, perhaps, get ready for a tissue?
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Random things on books (from draft post):
On Buying Preloved Books:
I bought 2 preloved books on Carousell:
I was really hoping that I wouldn't have to buy any books that I might not like - I prefer borrowing, but the options are so limited. So I had to swim through the list of books that people want to sell as preloved and I had to buy them. But I think I can resell them back later if I don't like them.
Reading in January:
After such a successful reading year in 2023, I decided to have a slow reading year in 2024. Since Jan, I only read 2 books: Rosshalde by Hermann Hesse + The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood.
“But who can remember pain, once it’s over? All that remains of it is a shadow, not in the mind even, in the flesh. Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind.”
I'm currently reading Anxious People by Fredrick Backman, it is such a boring book =.= So I stopped. Then I didn't have any time to read anymore.
On Reading More HH's :
I read another one of HH's underwhelming book written in 1914 - didn't like it and it took forever to finish it up even though it was not that long.
Herman Hesse's Books :
Didn't feel like writing :F
Work-wise:
February is mostly a work month - I'm "supposedly" working full-time with 2 companies. The agency that tried to sue me because I signed a contract but I canceled on working with them before the date started (in Nov) and also the fintech that has been offering me a full-time position since July last year but has not yet given me a proper contract to sign half a year later. Like I said before, career-wise, it is an odd phase for me. I can't say for a fact that I am working officially for anyone - but, yes, I am working unofficially for them. Because of that, I can work 2 jobs right now, both remotely, but double the stress, and time.
I thought I'd be having a small celebratory holiday for finishing all the client's projects in Dec, maybe going somewhere, but no, I had to continue sitting in front of the screen every day (even on weekends and public holidays). I can't even have my weekly walk. Ok lah, maybe because I'm just a bit physically and mentally drained right now, so I'm a bit bitter.
Just tired, so I don't have the energy to sit and write.
I don't even listen to books.
And I wake up at 2-3 am every night. That one time, I woke up at 1 am and couldn't sleep afterward. Can you imagine the stress that I'm dealing with - I'm probably in my unhealthiest condition right now because I'm really bad at managing my stress. I looked old, I feel much older. I'm not in my content phase, so I got disassociated from life a lot.
That's why I don't write.
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The Small Socializing:
I met Ms Chin again for the latest life updates. Been a while since I last met her, and we had a looong chat. Then we met up with Ma and the siblings (because it had been almost a month since we last met Ma), cooking sessions, balik Nilai, and lepak2 at my brother's. Simple socializing activities with the family.
The pictures in order:
I went to a de-stress treatment at Virtue TCM in Bangsar South.
My sister paid for a de-stress treatment (guasha + cupping + acupuncture) for an hour. You get a consultation and an explanation about the whole treatment. After I explained my 'whole' health history, the practitioner explained and advised me on how to manage the stress and anxiety, how important it is to overcome the sleeping problem, the bad posture, the gut issues, etc etc etc. She suggested Chinese medicinal herbs for sleeping and gut issues, to help improve my body, so that I can manage my 'emotions' better - which I rejected for now (because I only have the budget for the treatment).
Well, my stress and anxiety are manageable for now, I mean, we can't really run away from all the 'tests' in life kan. Tapi how I confront it, how my mind waives off, how strong my core is, all depend on a lot of stressor points and situations. I am trying to learn how to manage it, how to ask for help, and how to confront it. It takes time, a lot of slaps on the face, a lot of falling down and standing up again, a lot of reflection. But that's the process.
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About the treatment:
I was asked to change into their clothes (a pair of shorts and a shirt with a button at the back). Then after I was ready, I was asked to lie down on the front.
The practitioner explained everything while doing the treatment, like sanitizing your back, starting off with scraping (guasha), and all the steps.
What really painful for me was the scraping because I could feel the stone scraping off my bones, especially on my problematic points like my neck and shoulder, also while doing the gliding heat cupping when the suction is a bit too strong, then when I was left with heavy glass cups on my back. The acupuncture was nothing, compared to the other two treatments.
But honest to say, despite all the destressing treatments that I've been doing since last week, my body is still tense. I could not even relax, I couldn't even sleep it off, I couldn't let gooo. What is wrong with me? There was a point where I couldn't even stay on my acupressure mat for 15 minutes at home because my heart was racing and my thoughts were wild.
I know I'm a bit tense and I pretend that it's a personal trait, but I think this is also a problem that I need to figure out/manage this year =.=
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One day post-treatment:
I've done this kind of treatment before in 2021 during my physio, so it was not my first. I remember that I was feeling beat up the next day, everything hurt and sore. It was uncomfortable. Sleeping was a pain, I slept for 10 hours last night.
The muscles on my neck are sore, I'm tired and most of my cupping bruises are now dark purplish-deep red, which indicates an unhealthy body:
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I'm not in any way mentally 'relaxed' but based on both of the treatments, they did let go of the muscle tension in my body and perhaps I can avoid neck or shoulder strain. Perhaps I should start yoga again because walking once a week is not enough.
Oh, and I tried Maruki Ramen, not as great as Kagura Ramen for the first time, but my brother insisted on trying the original ramen next time:
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Don’t worry it does get better.You promise?I promise. Listen, I was on the airplane the other day, and I realized, I mean, I’ve been longing to say this out loud, so.. Women are born with pain built in. It’s our physical destiny. Uh, period pains, sore boobs, childbirth, you know. We carry it within ourselves throughout our lives. Men don’t. They have to seek it out. They invent all these gods and demons and things, all so they can feel guilty about things, which is something we do very well on our own. Then they create wars so they can feel things and touch each other, and when there aren’t any wars, they can play sports. And we have it all going on in here, inside. We have pain on a cycle for years and years and years. And then, just when you feel you are making peace with it all, what happens? The menopause comes. The fucking menopause comes, and it is the most wonderful fucking thing in the world. And yes, your entire pelvic floor crumbles, and you get fucking hot, and no one cares, but then you’re free. No longer a slave, no longer a machine with parts. You’re just a person, in business.Oh. I thought it was horrendous.It is horrendous, but then it is magnificent.Something to look forward to.
We took tonnes of pictures because the lighting was great. We were the kepochi side of the family, we were all the jakun ones and we were okay with that. I mean why should we pretend when we were truly impressed kan.
Anyway, the wedding will be held next weekend and that's another stressful event to prepare for because I have not decided what to wear (the bride's family theme colour is gold/bronze - and I don't have anything in those colours). Plus the men need to wear full suits/tux and the women can wear anything but preferably in gold/bronze. Right.
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About the face and the tudung:
Ah, an interesting note to mention (because my siblings asked - I wish they asked sooner), we were asked to wear pastel blue coloured clothes right, and the tudung needed to be as light as well. As you know, usually wearing lighter-colored tudung needs some kind of preparation or my face will look a bit dull in it. I don't wear makeup right, so I was not confident that I could wear anything in white/light grey.
What I did was, I used Garnier Vit C serum for the past 3 months just to brighten up my face and to reduce uneven skin tones. That's what I meant by a stressful preparation. But it worked - I looked radiant even without makeup in the lightly-coloured tudung. So, if you need to attend a function and you need to wear white tudung, and you don't want to wear makeup, maybe you could try this too. Don't let anyone tell you that you need makeup when you don't want to wear them :F (but my mom didn't agree, so choose your battle).
Takde, we had no excuse. We just wanted to lepak sama-sama at a cafe. We went to Broom in PJ after the event - just because. I ordered a matcha latte (with soy milk) with apple crumble and then I couldn't sleep that night. My brother's apple pie was better I think.
Super note: I don't think dessert works for me anymore. I'm so sad.
On my birthday, I was supposed to be working, but I decided to replace it with last month's work day and I was just on standby. I went out with Aja, Mi, and Ma (they picked me up to treat me to a late breakfast and lunch).
We went for a short 1-hr karaoke session. I'm not much of a singer (because I can't really sing), but I want to continue doing things that I'm uncomfortable with and all the firsts this year. Last year was interesting, and I think it would be fun to continue doing it this year just to loosen up a bit.